4:41 p.m. - January 07, 2004
Gauged On Other's Opinions
I sat in my room for a hour last night trying to make up my mind and get the courage to wear black bell bottom pants, a sweater and scarf and my new black high heeled boots to school today. I finally decided to- after I decided that I didn't give a flying --- what anyone else said. But I guess I did care what other people said because..... Linz walked upstairs and said "I can't belive your gonna wear your dressy pants and boots to school" Like it was a weird outfit. And as soon as she said that, I went and put all of it back in the closet and got out my regular: jeans and a long sleeve shirt. I honestly don't know why I care about other people's opinions but I do. I constantly sit and wonder what someone is going to say to me. Sam in particular. She's so annoying and I know I shouldn't be bothered by the puny girl but I am, and am bothered by alot of people, by their opinions of me, or what smart thing their going to say next. Self-esteem. That's what it all comes down too, of which I have NONE...........
I changed it to fit my feelings right now, but it's like she's reading my mind- Maybe I'm not the only one who feels like this. People see me as weird-and they know that what they say bothers me a great deal....... and I wish I had some way of hiding that. Mom came in last night and saw me crying and after sitting their and sobbing through the whole thing and choking the words out I told her how I felt, that I wish I could just go to school the way I like to dress, and not be worried about what others thought. And I think it really bothered her, because there were tears in her eyes. She knows that sometimes I think I'm ugly and even though she always tells me I'm beautiful, I feel like I need to hear it from someone other than family and friends, someone who completely doesn't know me and then maybe I'd believe it. The whole time she was talking to me, I couldn't look up at her, Maybe I was ashamed- Why? I don't know but it was just so hard look up. It's amazing what a couple hours of crying will do. And after those couple hours, I fell asleep. And even after Mom and Linz sat and convinced and pleeded for me to wear the outfit I wanted to wear today, I still didn't. The self-esteem thing gets me everytime.
|MOOD| Low & Moody
|MUSIC| Tin Man- Kenny Chesney
