3:38 p.m. - September 27, 2003
Drowning. Everything's Piling Up
I honestly don't know whats wrong with me. I don't totally hate my life right now but I can't think of anything that's going good right now. NOTHING AT ALL!
Mom and Dad are having $$$$ problems. It's not like were going totally broke, but we just can't afford to buy anything extra. I now know what other people feel like when they can't buy things they want or need because they can't afford it. I totally understand their feelings. Everything is just piling up- New car bill, wedding rehearsal dinner bill, regular monthly bills, just stuff like that. I want some thing right now, and because I don't have any money of my own right now, I have to ask Mom, and she just replies "Not this month"
Will and Amanda are doing good, but Amanda's Mom isn't. She has some kind of fungus growing up in her sinus cavitys and they have to go in the roof of her mouth and drill two holes to get this stuff out. Nasty sounding huh? It's a complicated surgery and just hearing about it scares me to death, and it's scaring the hell out of her. Will and Amanda have to go down to Kentucky to see her, they think she's scared about having it and Dad says she sounds sort of depressed.
Linz and I were supposed to go and spend the weekend with Will and Amanda at their house but we got the call last night saying they had to go see her Mom and now we can't go. So I'm bummed. I got all excited cuz Will called at 7pm last night to see if we wanted to come and by midnight, we couldn't go. But, family comes first, and you gotta do what you gotta do, so I'm not mad at him, just bummed.......very bummed.
Last year, during TV Show premiere week, I was happy because Providence was on and I had stuff to look foreard to but this year......It's totally different- I'm not even excited about shows coming on. ER was okay to watch but I wasn't even excited when that came on, I just can't get into it like I could with Providence.
Oh, Speaking of Providence. What ever happened to the DVD that was supposed to come out this October. I have heard nothing about it- But I'm not surprised. Did you really expect something good to happen in my life right now?????
School is another thing that is just going over my head. Feel like I'm drowning- The special ED kids, who tease you, The jocks who think your going out with a boy just cuz you hang out with him a lot and ask you all these rude questions........ I honestly thought that this school year would be different, that I'd stand up to anyone who said something to me, but being the coward I am, I just take it. And it hurts.......... It's degrading to myself, my self-esteem. Everything. And what's sad, is I don't have anyone to lean on when it happens. Andrew isn't a stong person either and he's not gonna stand up to the jocks when they say what they say, or the retards when they call me "ugly". Why do I doubt myself? They call me ugly and all I can think is "I am ugly......If they can say that, then I must be"
I honestly feel so rotten right now. School, Home life, everything is just piling up.... :( :( :( :'(
/*/Mood/*/- Drowning
/*/Music/*/- You Can't Take Me Home- Pink
